Saturday, May 19, 2012 9 am – 4 pm
Hosted by Delaney McKinney, LLP
5425 Wisconsin Avenue, Suite 401
Chevy Chase, MD 20815
Workshop summary:
Professionals in law, mediation, mental health, finance and the courts often work with difficult people without the benefit of the most recent knowledge of how a person's brain functions and the impact of that functioning on how one listens to another to resolve difficult issues in the best way possible. The way in which we listen is an important part of triggering the brain of the receiver to respond in different ways.
Our brain based training is for a wide range of professionals who work with individuals and couples when the client is under stress which has a significant impact on how the brain will respond, what the brain is capable of doing and the eventual outcome of the work the professional is doing with that client. By learning how the brain functions and using specific listening skills, we as professionals can have a significant impact on reducing the influence of stress in our clients and helping them to function from their higher order brain than their primitive brain. This knowledge will also help us to identify and address ethical challenges.
Trainers’ qualifications
Ellen F. Kandell, Esq.
• Mediation trainer for Maryland’s administrative and circuit court judges
• Former litigator and Chief Assistant City Solicitor, Philadelphia, PA and Summit, NJ
• Served as an ombudsman for Johns Hopkins University’s Space Telescope Science Institute
• Adjunct college professor for courses on listening, conflict management and negotiation
• President of Alternative Resolutions, LLC
Gloria Kay Vanderhorst, Ph.D.
• Collaborative Coach and Child Specialist
• Licensed Psychologist in Maryland and DC
• Former Assistant Professor of Psychology at Towson University
• A Diplomate in the American College of Forensic Psychologists
• Former President of Vanderhorst & Associates Former Director of Child & Adolescent Services at the Chesapeake ADHD Center of Maryland
Location:
Delaney McKinney, LLP in Chevy Chase, MD
Go to: http://www.delaneymckinney.com for directions and parking information.
Metro accessible: one block from Friendship Heights metro stop (red line).
Price: $279
Please arrive by 8:30 am for brain food before beginning the workshop. We will begin promptly at 9am.
Early bird discount, $229 if payment received by April 25th
Mail a check, payable to Dr. Gloria K. Vanderhorst at 8701 Georgia Ave., Suite 713, Silver Spring, MD 20910 or pay by credit card, with the information below
Registration information:
Name:___________________________________________________________________
Card Holders Name:________________________________________________________
Card Holders Billing Address:__________________________________________________
City:___________________________ State:_________ Zip Code:__________
Phone: Email address:__________________________________
( ) Am. Ex. ( ) VISA ( ) MasterCard
Account Number:_____________________________ Exp. Date:_____/_____/_____ (mm/dd/yyyy)
Three digit verification code on the back of your card:
(or for Am Ex this code is 4 digits and on the front)
Signature:________________________________ Date: __________________________
For more information contact:
Gloria Vanderhorst, 301-578-8760 or gkvanderhorst@gmail.com or Ellen Kandell, 301-588-5390 or ek@alternativeresolutions.net
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE: CHECK IT OUT
The following article appeared recently in the Washington Post and gives personal information from Regina DeMeo, a family attorney in Bethesda and a Collaboratively trained expert.
THE PROFESSIONAL
After a lawyer’s own split, a different approach to divorce
by Ellen McCarthy
It used to be all business for divorce lawyer Regina DeMeo. Her approach was always the same: “This is a partnership and the partnership is dissolving. What are the assets? What is the time-sharing arrangement you think is going to work best? Okay, come on,” she would think. “Get yourself together and let’s move on.” Then, after seven years of marriage, De-Meo went through her own divorce. “It was a very humbling experience,” she says. “All your dreams are shattered . . .
your whole world is rocked.” DeMeo began reading everything she could about what makes and breaks marriages, and she changed the way she practices law. Soon after the divorce, the
George Washington University Law School graduate became trained in a growing practice called collaborative divorce. Now when a potential client lands in her office, she asks to hear the story of the marriage and the reasons for divorce. When there’s even a hint of ambivalence
she’ll nudge the client toward a counselor. “If you can save this marriage, that’s what
you should try to do,” says DeMeo, 37. “Because I can tell you personally, I’ve been
down this dark path, and it’s not fun.” But if clients are sure that ending the marriage is the only solution, she’ll encourage them to consider collaborative divorce, a process that requires both spouses to agree not to go to court. Instead, they and their individual lawyers, along with
mental health professionals and a neutral financial adviser, meet to openly hash out
the terms of the divorce. The process requires that all relevant information be shared willingly — “so I don’t have to issue subpoenas to 50 different banks and waste time and money,” says DeMeo, a lawyer with Joseph, Greenwald & Laake in Rockville. The couple has to reach an agreement on every issue that needs to be addressed —including child-care arrangements, real
estate decisions and division of assets. And if they don’t reach a complete agreement,
both lawyers lose the case. The couple will lose all the money they’ve invested in the process and must start over with new attorneys. DeMeo, who is president of the Collaborative Divorce Association, a group that promotes the practice, says the process is less painful than a divorce that involves litigation. “There are no surprises,” she says. “And they feel like they own it because
they’re the final decision makers, as opposed to some person they’ve never met before who’s going to hear their case for six hours and make a decision for the rest of their lives.”
And maybe more important than that, she says, the collaborative divorce process forces two people whose lines of communication are broken to learn to work together and talk respectfully to each other. “Because if you have kids, you’re going to have to continue to communicate for the
next 20 years,” she says. About a quarter of DeMeo’s clients choose to conduct collaborative divorces, a percentage she hopes will grow significantly in the years ahead. But it’s not for
everyone, she realizes, and can run counter to what many lawyers are trained to do
regarding the protection of their clients’ information. Still, she remains in favor of anything
that can mitigate the emotional devastation that often accompanies divorce. But she knows as well as anyone that much of the pain has already been inflicted by the time clients reach her. “You can’t undo damage that’s been going on for the last five years,” she says. “Marriage is like a
plant, and if you don’t water it and give it sunlight, it’s going to die. You can’t just take it for granted.” DeMeo thinks her own experiences have made her a better, more empathetic
lawyer. “I really know what they’re going through,” she says. “But I would much rather have paid for the knowledge without having the pain.” mccarthye@washpost.com
THE PROFESSIONAL
After a lawyer’s own split, a different approach to divorce
by Ellen McCarthy
It used to be all business for divorce lawyer Regina DeMeo. Her approach was always the same: “This is a partnership and the partnership is dissolving. What are the assets? What is the time-sharing arrangement you think is going to work best? Okay, come on,” she would think. “Get yourself together and let’s move on.” Then, after seven years of marriage, De-Meo went through her own divorce. “It was a very humbling experience,” she says. “All your dreams are shattered . . .
your whole world is rocked.” DeMeo began reading everything she could about what makes and breaks marriages, and she changed the way she practices law. Soon after the divorce, the
George Washington University Law School graduate became trained in a growing practice called collaborative divorce. Now when a potential client lands in her office, she asks to hear the story of the marriage and the reasons for divorce. When there’s even a hint of ambivalence
she’ll nudge the client toward a counselor. “If you can save this marriage, that’s what
you should try to do,” says DeMeo, 37. “Because I can tell you personally, I’ve been
down this dark path, and it’s not fun.” But if clients are sure that ending the marriage is the only solution, she’ll encourage them to consider collaborative divorce, a process that requires both spouses to agree not to go to court. Instead, they and their individual lawyers, along with
mental health professionals and a neutral financial adviser, meet to openly hash out
the terms of the divorce. The process requires that all relevant information be shared willingly — “so I don’t have to issue subpoenas to 50 different banks and waste time and money,” says DeMeo, a lawyer with Joseph, Greenwald & Laake in Rockville. The couple has to reach an agreement on every issue that needs to be addressed —including child-care arrangements, real
estate decisions and division of assets. And if they don’t reach a complete agreement,
both lawyers lose the case. The couple will lose all the money they’ve invested in the process and must start over with new attorneys. DeMeo, who is president of the Collaborative Divorce Association, a group that promotes the practice, says the process is less painful than a divorce that involves litigation. “There are no surprises,” she says. “And they feel like they own it because
they’re the final decision makers, as opposed to some person they’ve never met before who’s going to hear their case for six hours and make a decision for the rest of their lives.”
And maybe more important than that, she says, the collaborative divorce process forces two people whose lines of communication are broken to learn to work together and talk respectfully to each other. “Because if you have kids, you’re going to have to continue to communicate for the
next 20 years,” she says. About a quarter of DeMeo’s clients choose to conduct collaborative divorces, a percentage she hopes will grow significantly in the years ahead. But it’s not for
everyone, she realizes, and can run counter to what many lawyers are trained to do
regarding the protection of their clients’ information. Still, she remains in favor of anything
that can mitigate the emotional devastation that often accompanies divorce. But she knows as well as anyone that much of the pain has already been inflicted by the time clients reach her. “You can’t undo damage that’s been going on for the last five years,” she says. “Marriage is like a
plant, and if you don’t water it and give it sunlight, it’s going to die. You can’t just take it for granted.” DeMeo thinks her own experiences have made her a better, more empathetic
lawyer. “I really know what they’re going through,” she says. “But I would much rather have paid for the knowledge without having the pain.” mccarthye@washpost.com
Monday, September 14, 2009
Are You Divorcing?
ARE YOU DIVORCING?
CHOOSE A WAY
Your marriage is in trouble and you want out. The first thing that you think about is finding a lawyer and battling your way through the process. Don’t be so quick to open the Yellow Pages. First, do some research. Divorce can be done in at least 4 ways: Pro Se, Litigation, Mediation or Collaboration.
Pro Se means that you and your spouse sit at the kitchen table and work through all of the issues of sharing custody, changing living arrangements, dividing property, setting up two new households and sharing time with the children. Once you have decisions on all of these issues, you can write down your plans, research the law in your area and petition the court for a divorce decree. The kitchen table has the advantage of keeping things low key, working cooperatively and maintaining a good relationship with the other person as you reconfigure your lives. The disadvantages of this method are that a power imbalance could put one party at a disadvantage, unfamiliarity with the law could result in some poor choices for the future, and incomplete processes could lead to litigation in the future.
Litigation is the most familiar and probably the most contentious method of divorce. Each party hires a lawyer to advise them and represent their interests. Most litigated cases end of settling without going to court; however, the process leading up to that point is generally one of battle, hostility and acrimony. Many times the family, extended family and even friends are injured in the battle. Often there is little or no recovery from the process. When a case does go to court, the decision making power is ceded to the judge and both parties may end of very unhappy with the outcome.
Mediation is a more civil process of using one trained mediator to help you work through all of the issues and develop a settlement agreement. This agreement is then taken to a lawyer for review prior to signing and filing for divorce. A skilled mediator can keep you focused on the issues at hand and reduce emotional conflicts in the room. However, the mediator is there to work toward resolution of the issues and is not trained in facilitating a change in the emotional dynamics. Because of this, mediation can feel more like the kitchen table with a guide.
Collaborative is a transformative process whereby a team of professionals assists in working through the practical and emotional issues. The team generally consists of a lawyer for each person and a coach for each person. The lawyer advises on aspects of the law as you consider different options and solutions. The coach addresses the emotional dynamics and assists in learning new ways to communicate your needs and resolve issues with the other person. For custody issues and shared parenting, an expert in child development acts as a neutral advisor to the entire team so that the children’s needs are presented objectively for everyone to consider as they problem solve. For financial issues, an expert in financial planning can develop projections and plans as a neutral advisor to the team. The collaborative process is focused on transforming the historical model of divorce as a battleground to a more realistic model of divorce as a reconfiguration of the family where relationships will continue in a new form. The couple retains control of all decision making and decisions are based on mutual interests and common goals and not on power dynamics.
By now my bias toward the Collaborative Divorce should be obvious. Reshaping the family is a difficult process. Even the most mature individual will report that during their divorce they were a bit insane at times. The stress of ending a marriage and making dramatic changes in the life style of your children and yourself is a major emotional event. The team approach can give you the best opportunity to make choices that are legally sound, financially wise and emotionally healthy. For more information on Collaborative Divorce visit the web site of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals: www.collaborativepractice.com
CHOOSE A WAY
Your marriage is in trouble and you want out. The first thing that you think about is finding a lawyer and battling your way through the process. Don’t be so quick to open the Yellow Pages. First, do some research. Divorce can be done in at least 4 ways: Pro Se, Litigation, Mediation or Collaboration.
Pro Se means that you and your spouse sit at the kitchen table and work through all of the issues of sharing custody, changing living arrangements, dividing property, setting up two new households and sharing time with the children. Once you have decisions on all of these issues, you can write down your plans, research the law in your area and petition the court for a divorce decree. The kitchen table has the advantage of keeping things low key, working cooperatively and maintaining a good relationship with the other person as you reconfigure your lives. The disadvantages of this method are that a power imbalance could put one party at a disadvantage, unfamiliarity with the law could result in some poor choices for the future, and incomplete processes could lead to litigation in the future.
Litigation is the most familiar and probably the most contentious method of divorce. Each party hires a lawyer to advise them and represent their interests. Most litigated cases end of settling without going to court; however, the process leading up to that point is generally one of battle, hostility and acrimony. Many times the family, extended family and even friends are injured in the battle. Often there is little or no recovery from the process. When a case does go to court, the decision making power is ceded to the judge and both parties may end of very unhappy with the outcome.
Mediation is a more civil process of using one trained mediator to help you work through all of the issues and develop a settlement agreement. This agreement is then taken to a lawyer for review prior to signing and filing for divorce. A skilled mediator can keep you focused on the issues at hand and reduce emotional conflicts in the room. However, the mediator is there to work toward resolution of the issues and is not trained in facilitating a change in the emotional dynamics. Because of this, mediation can feel more like the kitchen table with a guide.
Collaborative is a transformative process whereby a team of professionals assists in working through the practical and emotional issues. The team generally consists of a lawyer for each person and a coach for each person. The lawyer advises on aspects of the law as you consider different options and solutions. The coach addresses the emotional dynamics and assists in learning new ways to communicate your needs and resolve issues with the other person. For custody issues and shared parenting, an expert in child development acts as a neutral advisor to the entire team so that the children’s needs are presented objectively for everyone to consider as they problem solve. For financial issues, an expert in financial planning can develop projections and plans as a neutral advisor to the team. The collaborative process is focused on transforming the historical model of divorce as a battleground to a more realistic model of divorce as a reconfiguration of the family where relationships will continue in a new form. The couple retains control of all decision making and decisions are based on mutual interests and common goals and not on power dynamics.
By now my bias toward the Collaborative Divorce should be obvious. Reshaping the family is a difficult process. Even the most mature individual will report that during their divorce they were a bit insane at times. The stress of ending a marriage and making dramatic changes in the life style of your children and yourself is a major emotional event. The team approach can give you the best opportunity to make choices that are legally sound, financially wise and emotionally healthy. For more information on Collaborative Divorce visit the web site of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals: www.collaborativepractice.com
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
VOTE ‘TIL THE COWS COME HOME
Gloria Kay Vanderhorst, Ph.D.
8701 Georgia Avenue
Suite 713
Silver Spring, Maryland 20910
In the 1960’s family meetings were the latest technique for including the children in the process of family decision making. I remember the experience in my own family with some fondness. Four children, two parents and the occasional “live in” school friend would participate in planning weekend activities and the family vacation with some parameters determined by the family budget. At times we were even privy to some budget discussions in an effort to get all of us to care about turning off the lights as we left the room. The promised savings were to be used for the ice cream truck when it came through the neighborhood. During one of our family meetings, the discussion was getting lively and we decided that this democratic process should be used to determine what we would have for dinner. As steak and veal were being bandied about, my mother rose from her chair with, “You can vote ‘til the cows come home, we are having meatloaf for dinner!”
Mother was a farm girl. Most contemporary families have not seen a cow except for the Turkey Hill ads and have no idea of the work involved in milking them. Mother knew when to take charge and assert her authority as the parent doing the work. Today’s families face social pressure to not just share authority but to often times abdicate to their children. Modern social pressures can be disorienting. When the sexual experimentation comes home at 10 years of age and the marijuana experiment begins at 12, the family meeting to empower the children is way out of its league. The modern family may require very different tools to stop the onslaught of contemporary life from undermining the family completely. The psychologist working with today’s family is also working with a very different configuration. The two parent household can easily be two moms or two dads. Many families are headed by single adults or singles with non-parenting live-ins.
The first part of treatment with families today requires gaining a sense of the goals and priorities of these families. To accomplish this task, I like to borrow a process from the collaborative law model whereby the parents develop a mission statement. The mission statement enables the parents and the therapist to clarify what this family is all about. Some simple questions (1) to answer are listed below:
What is the purpose of our family?
What are we all about in life?
What kind of family do we want?
What is our identity as a family?
What are the things that are truly important to us as a family?
What are our unique talents, gifts, and abilities?
What are our responsibilities in caring for one another?
How do we want to make a difference to our community?
As the adults are addressing these questions, the children may be working on their responses to the following questions:
What kind of home do you want to invite friends to?
What is embarrassing to you?
What makes you feel comfortable at home?
What makes you want to come home?
What qualities in your parent(s) are important to you? And cause you to be open to my/our influence?
How can your parent(s) improve?
The mission statement developed by the parents serves to anchor the family and leads to the development of an active and positive parenting plan. As situations arise in the family, the mission statement becomes a practical tool for decision making. With the mission statement clearly in hand, the children can see that their parent’s are thoughtful and not capricious. The mission statement also serves as an anchor that enables the parents to provide guidance and make decisions with confidence and without guilt.
In the course of designing a mission statement, the parents examine their social, moral, ethical and religious positions in order to develop succinct, measurable criteria for tracking their parenting. While this process would be valuable for any family, the ADHD family benefits in particular ways. The mission statement gives the parent who tends to be impulsive a place to check their impulse and the ADHD child benefits from the consistency and care that follows as Mom or Dad go back to the mission statement for clarity and support. The following case will illustrate the process of forming a mission statement and the value of it in the ADHD family.
Carol and Dennis came to therapy when their son Derrick was in second grade. Derrick had been diagnosed with ADHD at the beginning of first grade and was currently being treated with time release Ritalin. The parents had become comfortable with the medication regimen but also tended to give weekend and summer medication holidays. They had one other child, a girl, who was in kindergarten and did not have any of the signs of ADHD. The mother reported that she saw herself as having ADHD as well but had never been formally diagnosed or treated. As the family went through the process of assessing Derrick, the mother’s history and current behavior emerged as very similar to Derrick’s. The father did not seem to have any of these characteristics though he reported that his mother would probably fit the diagnosis. He remembered growing up in a pretty disorganized household and was hoping to spare Derrick some of his early experiences.
Derrick had a love/hate relationship with his sister. They could play together for brief periods of time before the play deteriorated into shouting matches or tears. Derrick’s school performance was generally above average though he tended to lose materials and misplace completed assignments. Derrick seemed to be in constant need of stimulation even with the medication. He moved quickly from one activity to the next without finishing anything. In the classroom, he tended to get into the space of others, often called out in class, and had designated himself as the playground monitor for directing all forms of play and settling disputes between players. Of course, much of this self proclaimed oversight was not welcomed by his peers.
The parents were overwhelmed and sought therapy to try to gain some control over the household and hoped to provide better guidance for Derrick in school.
Carol and Dennis spent about 6 therapy hours developing their mission statement. In the course of those sessions, Carol decided to educate herself on her own ADHD and began to read Understanding Women with ADHD by Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D. and Patricia Quinn, M.D. (2) Dennis identified his negative judgmental attitude as harmful to the family. Since he lived with two people with ADHD, he decided to reframe his experience and learn more positive language for relating to his wife and son. He found The Gift of ADHD by Lara Honos-Webb, Ph.D. (3) to be a valuable resource as he practiced more reframing. Dennis’s negativity is a fairly common problem. Most of us have trouble using positive language and doing the work of looking for the positive aspect of a difficult situation.
As Carol and Dennis began to come together with a vision for their family, they were struck by the power that they had ceded to current social pressures and dynamics. Video games, television, reality shows, rap music, even clothing had more sway over their children than they did. This realization led to one of the most powerful parts of their mission statement. They wanted to be the primary influences in the lives of their children before any contemporary social or cultural entities including the school. Their commitment to that vision led them to think more clearly about how to order their home life.
Their mission statement is as follows:
Recognizing the power of modern culture to undermine family connections and the tendency of ADHD to welcome this rapid paced stimulation, we purpose to strengthen our individual and joint connection to each of our children such that they will experience us as their primary relationship and seek out our counsel frequently and consistently. We desire to encourage thoughtful, compassionate characteristics in our children and to nurture the creative, inspirational aspects of our son’s ADHD. To accomplish these goals we commit to the following:
Daily individual time with each child of at least 30 minutes face to face.
Daily meal time with no TV, Radio or media devices of any kind and we purpose to use table time to share positive character qualities in our children and learn more about how they think and view the world.
Weekly family time of at least 2 hours of face to face activity in a noncompetitive format that enhances the quality of life for one of us or others that we may choose.
A monthly focus on a creative project generated by Derrick or his sister.
Once the mission statement was clarified, Carol and Dennis saw how afraid they had been to lead their family. This realization energized them to implement their mission and actually enjoy their role as parents. They were excited about their focus on relationship but knew that they had to confront old habits and routines that had been undermining their family. They decided to try some family meetings. Carol and Dennis needed to take back their position of influence in their family and not be afraid to confront the pull of the media culture that had taken their place. They had to stop being afraid of the cultural influences that were more lively, more exciting and more rapid paced than they could ever be. Their decision to not compete was critical to regaining parental authority and being able to nurture healthy relationships with their children.
Step 1. Carol and Dennis set aside 10 minutes each morning to read their mission statement out loud to each other. This focus on their positive goal strengthened their bond with each other and energized them for the parenting challenges of the day. They used this time to plan their daily “face time” with each child.
Step 2. Carol and Dennis used break time at work to write down the positive character qualities of each child with specifics that were relevant to the past few days and imaginings that could be applied to the next few days ahead. This prepared them for meal time. They brought their notes to the table to show their children that they were seriously working on rebuilding relationship and authority through respect.
Step 3. After dinner they required Derrick and his sister to spend 10 minutes together to read the family mission statement and to plan their monthly creative project. Carol and Dennis accepted that for the first few weeks their children would probably just argue with each other. However, they trusted Derrick’s creative side and their daughter’s emerging compassion to eventually help them to design a project.
Step 4. At the beginning of each week Carol and Dennis called a family meeting to discuss possible activities for the 2 hour non-competitive family time. They were pleasantly surprised by how their children responded and they allowed wild and zany ideas to morph into more practical possibilities. Derrick’s initial trial balloon of “let’s save an endangered species” evolved into exploring the neighborhood creek and bringing home some weird water creatures to identify.
Carol and Dennis have redefined the family meeting. Instead of the 1960’s notion of empowering the children, their family meetings have become a means of restoring their authority and influence as parents. They are no longer afraid of coming home to chaos. The old tool has become a new resource to help families reorder their lives. My mother would be proud of them even though they don’t own any cows.
References
Tamara Rounds, L.C.S.W. Creating the Mission Statement, Collaborative Divorce Team Trainings, 2008.
Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D. & Patricia Quinn, M.D., Understanding Women with AD/HD. Advantage Books, 2002.
Lara Honos-Webb, Ph.D. The Gift of ADHD. New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 2005.
Gloria Kay Vanderhorst, Ph.D.
8701 Georgia Avenue
Suite 713
Silver Spring, Maryland 20910
In the 1960’s family meetings were the latest technique for including the children in the process of family decision making. I remember the experience in my own family with some fondness. Four children, two parents and the occasional “live in” school friend would participate in planning weekend activities and the family vacation with some parameters determined by the family budget. At times we were even privy to some budget discussions in an effort to get all of us to care about turning off the lights as we left the room. The promised savings were to be used for the ice cream truck when it came through the neighborhood. During one of our family meetings, the discussion was getting lively and we decided that this democratic process should be used to determine what we would have for dinner. As steak and veal were being bandied about, my mother rose from her chair with, “You can vote ‘til the cows come home, we are having meatloaf for dinner!”
Mother was a farm girl. Most contemporary families have not seen a cow except for the Turkey Hill ads and have no idea of the work involved in milking them. Mother knew when to take charge and assert her authority as the parent doing the work. Today’s families face social pressure to not just share authority but to often times abdicate to their children. Modern social pressures can be disorienting. When the sexual experimentation comes home at 10 years of age and the marijuana experiment begins at 12, the family meeting to empower the children is way out of its league. The modern family may require very different tools to stop the onslaught of contemporary life from undermining the family completely. The psychologist working with today’s family is also working with a very different configuration. The two parent household can easily be two moms or two dads. Many families are headed by single adults or singles with non-parenting live-ins.
The first part of treatment with families today requires gaining a sense of the goals and priorities of these families. To accomplish this task, I like to borrow a process from the collaborative law model whereby the parents develop a mission statement. The mission statement enables the parents and the therapist to clarify what this family is all about. Some simple questions (1) to answer are listed below:
What is the purpose of our family?
What are we all about in life?
What kind of family do we want?
What is our identity as a family?
What are the things that are truly important to us as a family?
What are our unique talents, gifts, and abilities?
What are our responsibilities in caring for one another?
How do we want to make a difference to our community?
As the adults are addressing these questions, the children may be working on their responses to the following questions:
What kind of home do you want to invite friends to?
What is embarrassing to you?
What makes you feel comfortable at home?
What makes you want to come home?
What qualities in your parent(s) are important to you? And cause you to be open to my/our influence?
How can your parent(s) improve?
The mission statement developed by the parents serves to anchor the family and leads to the development of an active and positive parenting plan. As situations arise in the family, the mission statement becomes a practical tool for decision making. With the mission statement clearly in hand, the children can see that their parent’s are thoughtful and not capricious. The mission statement also serves as an anchor that enables the parents to provide guidance and make decisions with confidence and without guilt.
In the course of designing a mission statement, the parents examine their social, moral, ethical and religious positions in order to develop succinct, measurable criteria for tracking their parenting. While this process would be valuable for any family, the ADHD family benefits in particular ways. The mission statement gives the parent who tends to be impulsive a place to check their impulse and the ADHD child benefits from the consistency and care that follows as Mom or Dad go back to the mission statement for clarity and support. The following case will illustrate the process of forming a mission statement and the value of it in the ADHD family.
Carol and Dennis came to therapy when their son Derrick was in second grade. Derrick had been diagnosed with ADHD at the beginning of first grade and was currently being treated with time release Ritalin. The parents had become comfortable with the medication regimen but also tended to give weekend and summer medication holidays. They had one other child, a girl, who was in kindergarten and did not have any of the signs of ADHD. The mother reported that she saw herself as having ADHD as well but had never been formally diagnosed or treated. As the family went through the process of assessing Derrick, the mother’s history and current behavior emerged as very similar to Derrick’s. The father did not seem to have any of these characteristics though he reported that his mother would probably fit the diagnosis. He remembered growing up in a pretty disorganized household and was hoping to spare Derrick some of his early experiences.
Derrick had a love/hate relationship with his sister. They could play together for brief periods of time before the play deteriorated into shouting matches or tears. Derrick’s school performance was generally above average though he tended to lose materials and misplace completed assignments. Derrick seemed to be in constant need of stimulation even with the medication. He moved quickly from one activity to the next without finishing anything. In the classroom, he tended to get into the space of others, often called out in class, and had designated himself as the playground monitor for directing all forms of play and settling disputes between players. Of course, much of this self proclaimed oversight was not welcomed by his peers.
The parents were overwhelmed and sought therapy to try to gain some control over the household and hoped to provide better guidance for Derrick in school.
Carol and Dennis spent about 6 therapy hours developing their mission statement. In the course of those sessions, Carol decided to educate herself on her own ADHD and began to read Understanding Women with ADHD by Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D. and Patricia Quinn, M.D. (2) Dennis identified his negative judgmental attitude as harmful to the family. Since he lived with two people with ADHD, he decided to reframe his experience and learn more positive language for relating to his wife and son. He found The Gift of ADHD by Lara Honos-Webb, Ph.D. (3) to be a valuable resource as he practiced more reframing. Dennis’s negativity is a fairly common problem. Most of us have trouble using positive language and doing the work of looking for the positive aspect of a difficult situation.
As Carol and Dennis began to come together with a vision for their family, they were struck by the power that they had ceded to current social pressures and dynamics. Video games, television, reality shows, rap music, even clothing had more sway over their children than they did. This realization led to one of the most powerful parts of their mission statement. They wanted to be the primary influences in the lives of their children before any contemporary social or cultural entities including the school. Their commitment to that vision led them to think more clearly about how to order their home life.
Their mission statement is as follows:
Recognizing the power of modern culture to undermine family connections and the tendency of ADHD to welcome this rapid paced stimulation, we purpose to strengthen our individual and joint connection to each of our children such that they will experience us as their primary relationship and seek out our counsel frequently and consistently. We desire to encourage thoughtful, compassionate characteristics in our children and to nurture the creative, inspirational aspects of our son’s ADHD. To accomplish these goals we commit to the following:
Daily individual time with each child of at least 30 minutes face to face.
Daily meal time with no TV, Radio or media devices of any kind and we purpose to use table time to share positive character qualities in our children and learn more about how they think and view the world.
Weekly family time of at least 2 hours of face to face activity in a noncompetitive format that enhances the quality of life for one of us or others that we may choose.
A monthly focus on a creative project generated by Derrick or his sister.
Once the mission statement was clarified, Carol and Dennis saw how afraid they had been to lead their family. This realization energized them to implement their mission and actually enjoy their role as parents. They were excited about their focus on relationship but knew that they had to confront old habits and routines that had been undermining their family. They decided to try some family meetings. Carol and Dennis needed to take back their position of influence in their family and not be afraid to confront the pull of the media culture that had taken their place. They had to stop being afraid of the cultural influences that were more lively, more exciting and more rapid paced than they could ever be. Their decision to not compete was critical to regaining parental authority and being able to nurture healthy relationships with their children.
Step 1. Carol and Dennis set aside 10 minutes each morning to read their mission statement out loud to each other. This focus on their positive goal strengthened their bond with each other and energized them for the parenting challenges of the day. They used this time to plan their daily “face time” with each child.
Step 2. Carol and Dennis used break time at work to write down the positive character qualities of each child with specifics that were relevant to the past few days and imaginings that could be applied to the next few days ahead. This prepared them for meal time. They brought their notes to the table to show their children that they were seriously working on rebuilding relationship and authority through respect.
Step 3. After dinner they required Derrick and his sister to spend 10 minutes together to read the family mission statement and to plan their monthly creative project. Carol and Dennis accepted that for the first few weeks their children would probably just argue with each other. However, they trusted Derrick’s creative side and their daughter’s emerging compassion to eventually help them to design a project.
Step 4. At the beginning of each week Carol and Dennis called a family meeting to discuss possible activities for the 2 hour non-competitive family time. They were pleasantly surprised by how their children responded and they allowed wild and zany ideas to morph into more practical possibilities. Derrick’s initial trial balloon of “let’s save an endangered species” evolved into exploring the neighborhood creek and bringing home some weird water creatures to identify.
Carol and Dennis have redefined the family meeting. Instead of the 1960’s notion of empowering the children, their family meetings have become a means of restoring their authority and influence as parents. They are no longer afraid of coming home to chaos. The old tool has become a new resource to help families reorder their lives. My mother would be proud of them even though they don’t own any cows.
References
Tamara Rounds, L.C.S.W. Creating the Mission Statement, Collaborative Divorce Team Trainings, 2008.
Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D. & Patricia Quinn, M.D., Understanding Women with AD/HD. Advantage Books, 2002.
Lara Honos-Webb, Ph.D. The Gift of ADHD. New Harbinger Publications, Inc. 2005.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Educating the Child about his Brain - Understanding is the first step in taking charge
By Gloria Kay Vanderhorst, Ph.D.
Neurocognitive Psychotherapy is a brain-based treatment approach that is a unique blend of cognitive-behavioral therapy and cognitive rehabilitation. This approach is a team approach based in the most recent research on brain functioning and ADHD. This article is the first in a series that will illustrate how neurocognitive psychotherapy is applied in treating children with ADHD.
The key to building a treatment plan is to understand how the brain works in general and to discover how the brain of a particular child is functioning specifically. This brain based approach starts with a neuropsychological evaluation that enables us to measure various aspects of executive function, memory function, and processing abilities. This evaluation may also examine emotional strengths and resources that the child has been using to cope with the stress of learning and living.
Once a diagnosis of ADHD has been made, educating the child about the specific strengths and weaknesses in their brain is the next step. I will use a variety of techniques to help the child see and understand how his or her brain is functioning. Pictures of brains from web sites showing fMRIs have been very helpful. With the fMRI, we can see different areas of the brain light up as one thinks and problem solves. You may want to log on to www.amenclinic.com to take your own tour of different brain images. We may also use brain models, or build our own using found objects in the office. Sometimes we will make drawings or abstract art that represents the various functions of the brain and how they interact with each other.
As a child comes to understand how his own brain is working, he is encouraged to present his understanding in a family session as a means of educating others in the family. In this way, the child is given power over the ADHD. The stigma that has been associated with inattentive or hyperactive behavior is replaced by knowledge that empowers the child to take more control over his life. The earlier this empowering process can begin, the more opportunity the child has to build compensating strategies, make changes in his environment and develop supportive relationships. Educating the child about his own brain, how it works, and how he can help make it work best is a central part of neurocognitive psychotherapy - de-stigmatizing the brain patterns we refer to as ADHD and giving the child a sense of understanding and control.
Neurocognitive Psychotherapy is a brain-based treatment approach that is a unique blend of cognitive-behavioral therapy and cognitive rehabilitation. This approach is a team approach based in the most recent research on brain functioning and ADHD. This article is the first in a series that will illustrate how neurocognitive psychotherapy is applied in treating children with ADHD.
The key to building a treatment plan is to understand how the brain works in general and to discover how the brain of a particular child is functioning specifically. This brain based approach starts with a neuropsychological evaluation that enables us to measure various aspects of executive function, memory function, and processing abilities. This evaluation may also examine emotional strengths and resources that the child has been using to cope with the stress of learning and living.
Once a diagnosis of ADHD has been made, educating the child about the specific strengths and weaknesses in their brain is the next step. I will use a variety of techniques to help the child see and understand how his or her brain is functioning. Pictures of brains from web sites showing fMRIs have been very helpful. With the fMRI, we can see different areas of the brain light up as one thinks and problem solves. You may want to log on to www.amenclinic.com to take your own tour of different brain images. We may also use brain models, or build our own using found objects in the office. Sometimes we will make drawings or abstract art that represents the various functions of the brain and how they interact with each other.
As a child comes to understand how his own brain is working, he is encouraged to present his understanding in a family session as a means of educating others in the family. In this way, the child is given power over the ADHD. The stigma that has been associated with inattentive or hyperactive behavior is replaced by knowledge that empowers the child to take more control over his life. The earlier this empowering process can begin, the more opportunity the child has to build compensating strategies, make changes in his environment and develop supportive relationships. Educating the child about his own brain, how it works, and how he can help make it work best is a central part of neurocognitive psychotherapy - de-stigmatizing the brain patterns we refer to as ADHD and giving the child a sense of understanding and control.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
ARE YOU A "DADDY"
ARE YOU A DADDY?
My Dad carries his baseball glove in the trunk of his car. It is very old and battered. The padding has become thin with age. The fingers are short and stubby, not long and laced as in today’s gloves. Today’s gloves are made to reach above the fence and snatch a home run away from the batter. Dad’s glove was made for catch and from the trunk of his car, it was always at the ready. He tore his rotator cuff about a year ago, swinging an ax. So, I doubt that he could toss a ball anymore, but the glove still travels. The potential is there.
The research on fatherhood shows that children listen more easily to the voice of father than they do to mother. Something about the tone or quality of the voice communicates a seriousness that is easily processed by even the youngest child. The research also shows that girls who spend more time with their father are brighter in school and more successful in math and science. Fathers are designed to have a powerful impact. Think of the wisdom to be imparted or the fun to be had. Yet, on the average, fathers spend only minutes with their children each day. Father’s rarely say “I love you” to their children, especially after the child becomes school age.
Inside of each of us is the desire for a Daddy. “Daddy” is someone who will be there all the time, someone who will know what we should do in this difficult situation someone who will support us and love us. We look for him first in our own fathers and if we don’t find him there we look in one relationship after another, in search of the strength and acceptance that we need.
We formulate our idea about a supreme being based on our earthly experience with father. That is a heavy burden for any Daddy.
TOSS A BALL
Sometimes on long car trips we would stop at a roadside park for a break and Dad would break out the glove. We would toss the baseball to him, chase after high flies and dive for grounders. The energy and relaxation in those brief moments was exciting. That glove represented the potential for relationship, any time and any place. He was always ready.
As we got older and moved away from home, the relationship did not change. Daddy was always there to listen and to guide.
TAKE A FALL
Dad’s are more likely to act out their feelings of love than they are to say it. Something about the words causes their tongues to get stuck or twisted. When they do fall out, they often get embedded in sentences like, “you know that your mother and I, we love you, don’t you son?” If he was familiar with that concept, why would you have to ask such a stupid question? When will they fall out in simple, direct form and just say “I love you”. Daddy must have practiced in the mirror or something. It always sounded so right.
ACCEPT THE CALL
Dad’s are special. They have a big responsibility. Their voice is often the one that we carry in our heads when big decisions are to be made. Fulfilling that responsibility takes a plan. One cannot be a Daddy without planning and setting the time aside to be in relationship. Too often, men are caught up in building castles for their families or inheritances for their children, rather than in building relationship. Being a Daddy takes a vision. What is your picture? How are you doing? When you review the year, can you list the times that you connected with your children? And a year from now, what will the picture include? Do they still call you Daddy?
My Dad carries his baseball glove in the trunk of his car. It is very old and battered. The padding has become thin with age. The fingers are short and stubby, not long and laced as in today’s gloves. Today’s gloves are made to reach above the fence and snatch a home run away from the batter. Dad’s glove was made for catch and from the trunk of his car, it was always at the ready. He tore his rotator cuff about a year ago, swinging an ax. So, I doubt that he could toss a ball anymore, but the glove still travels. The potential is there.
The research on fatherhood shows that children listen more easily to the voice of father than they do to mother. Something about the tone or quality of the voice communicates a seriousness that is easily processed by even the youngest child. The research also shows that girls who spend more time with their father are brighter in school and more successful in math and science. Fathers are designed to have a powerful impact. Think of the wisdom to be imparted or the fun to be had. Yet, on the average, fathers spend only minutes with their children each day. Father’s rarely say “I love you” to their children, especially after the child becomes school age.
Inside of each of us is the desire for a Daddy. “Daddy” is someone who will be there all the time, someone who will know what we should do in this difficult situation someone who will support us and love us. We look for him first in our own fathers and if we don’t find him there we look in one relationship after another, in search of the strength and acceptance that we need.
We formulate our idea about a supreme being based on our earthly experience with father. That is a heavy burden for any Daddy.
TOSS A BALL
Sometimes on long car trips we would stop at a roadside park for a break and Dad would break out the glove. We would toss the baseball to him, chase after high flies and dive for grounders. The energy and relaxation in those brief moments was exciting. That glove represented the potential for relationship, any time and any place. He was always ready.
As we got older and moved away from home, the relationship did not change. Daddy was always there to listen and to guide.
TAKE A FALL
Dad’s are more likely to act out their feelings of love than they are to say it. Something about the words causes their tongues to get stuck or twisted. When they do fall out, they often get embedded in sentences like, “you know that your mother and I, we love you, don’t you son?” If he was familiar with that concept, why would you have to ask such a stupid question? When will they fall out in simple, direct form and just say “I love you”. Daddy must have practiced in the mirror or something. It always sounded so right.
ACCEPT THE CALL
Dad’s are special. They have a big responsibility. Their voice is often the one that we carry in our heads when big decisions are to be made. Fulfilling that responsibility takes a plan. One cannot be a Daddy without planning and setting the time aside to be in relationship. Too often, men are caught up in building castles for their families or inheritances for their children, rather than in building relationship. Being a Daddy takes a vision. What is your picture? How are you doing? When you review the year, can you list the times that you connected with your children? And a year from now, what will the picture include? Do they still call you Daddy?
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