"I REMEMBER YOU" couples retreat

“I REMEMBER YOU”

FEBRUARY 1-3, 2013

KENT MANOR INN

Stevensville, Maryland

A couples retreat for all ages and stages of relationship

We will begin the weekend on Friday evening with dinner and a movie.  On Saturday, we will have a variety of activities and workshops focused on having fun together and remembering who you are as a couple.  Sunday breakfast will be a time of reflection.

Renew your attachment, renew your spirit, and return home with a new relationship.

For details and costs, contact

Gloria Kay Vanderhorst, Ph.D.

gkvanderhorst@gmail.com

301-578-8760

CEU Workshop

Listening, Communication and the Brain: Using Science to Enhance Your Work with Conflict and Challenging Cases Saturday, September 22, 2012 8:30am–4:30pm Hosted by Delaney McKinney, LLP 5425 Wisconsin Avenue, Suite 401 Chevy Chase, MD 20815 7CEUs for Mental Health professionals Workshop summary: Professionals in law, mediation, mental health, finance and the courts often work with difficult people without the benefit of the most recent knowledge of how a person's brain functions and the impact of that functioning on how one listens to another to resolve conflict. The way in which we listen is an important part of triggering the brain of the receiver to respond in competitive or cooperative ways. Our brain based training is for a wide range of professionals who work with individuals and couples. When the client is under stress, this has a significant impact on how the brain will respond, what the brain is capable of doing and the eventual outcome of the work. By learning how the brain functions and using specific listening skills and conflict management skills, you can have a dramatic impact on reducing the influence of stress in your clients and helping them to function from their higher order brain rather than their primitive brain. This knowledge will also help you to identify and address ethical challenges in high conflict cases. Trainers’ qualifications Ellen F. Kandell, Esq. • Mediation trainer for Maryland’s administrative and circuit court judges • Former litigator and Chief Assistant City Solicitor, Philadelphia, PA and Summit, NJ • Served as an ombudsman for Johns Hopkins University’s Space Telescope Science Institute • Adjunct college professor for courses on listening, conflict management and negotiation • President of Alternative Resolutions, LLC Gloria Kay Vanderhorst, Ph.D. • Collaborative Coach and Child Specialist • Licensed Psychologist in Maryland and DC • Former Assistant Professor of Psychology at Towson University • A Diplomate in the American College of Forensic Psychologists • Former President of Vanderhorst & Associates • Former Director of Child & Adolescent Services at the Chesapeake ADHD Center of Maryland Location: Delaney McKinney, LLP in Chevy Chase, MD Go to: http://www.delaneymckinney.com for directions and parking information. Metro accessible: across the street from Friendship Heights metro stop (red line). Who Should Attend: Legal Professionals interested in collaborative approaches to dispute resolution Mental Health Professionals interested in better ways to manage difficult cases Financial Professionals interested in managing difficult client emotions Court Personnel interested in improving their conflict management skills Schedule: Please arrive by 8:00 am for brain food before beginning the workshop. We will begin promptly at 8:30 am and end promptly at 4:30 pm. Lunch will be on your own and there are several options within a few feet of the building. Fees: Early bird discount, $195 if payment received by August 31st Late registration, $225 if payment received after August 31st CEU fee, $35 for those seeking 7 hours of continuing education credits REGISTRATION IS EASY GO TO: http://listeningandthebrain.eventbrite.com/

The Maryland Board of Social Work Examiners certifies that this program meets the criteria for 7 credit hours of Category I continuing education for social workers licensed in Maryland These credits may also be accepted by the Maryland Psychology Board, Maryland Board of Professional Counselors, the DC Board of Social Work, DC Board of Psychology, DC Board of Nursing, the West Virginia Board of social work examiners and several other state boards. Check with your respective Board for verification. For more information contact: Gloria Vanderhorst, 301-578-8760 or gkvanderhorst@gmail.com or Ellen Kandell, 301-588-5390 or ek@alternativeresolutions.net

Keys to Successful Mediation: Understanding Brain Wiring and the Complex Listening Dynamic
by Ellen Kandell, Gloria Vanderhorst
Supporting Effective Agreement
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Mediators know all too well that their clients can take positional stances that are hostile and effectively block the creative thinking necessary to reach an equitable settlement. Positional stances taken by clients and their counsel are a natural result of the brain’s dual wiring for competition and cooperation. These processes are in-born; however, the competitive tendency is slightly stronger than the cooperative one and the parts of the brain used for each are protected in very different ways. The competitive instinct is well protected between the temporal lobe and cerebral cortex hidden in the fold. The cooperative tendency depends on the action of the prefrontal cortex. Historically, our survival has depended on our ability to compete by besting our perceived enemy. Numerous studies indicate that we are not content to just get ahead of the other; we want to demolish the opposition. These tendencies are at play whenever we must negotiate with another. The challenge is to shift your clients from these positional/ competitive mindsets to more cooperative/collaborative thinking where creative and mutually beneficial solutions can be generated. Developing keener listening skills will enable you to help your clients make this shift.
Listening is often confused with hearing. Hearing is a natural experience that happens spontaneously unless there are physiological deficits. While hearing can be measured by audiologists, listening cannot because of numerous subjective factors. Listening requires work: focused energy, choice, active screening, plus both aural and visual concentration. When we choose to listen, we act to screen out external stimulation that could be equally salient and internal stimulation as well. Our temperature and blood pressure increase slightly as we use our energy to concentrate. The majority of the information that we use as we listen is actually visual detail and not aural detail. In fact 93% of our communication is non-verbal. (1) Visual cues enable us to interpret what we hear and to make sense of the communication from the other person. Over our lifespan, our listening efficiency decreases significantly as we become more occupied with our own thoughts and internal dialogue. Being a good listener is hard work that requires specific training.
One factor that is responsible for undermining our listening ability is our biases and historical frames of reference. Our histories shape what we hear. In intimate relationships, we tend to handle conflicts in the same way that we did as toddlers with blame, denial, avoidance, sulking, and temper tantrums. The thing that makes a toddler so irresistible is the Grand Human Contradiction (2): our competing drives for autonomy and connection. Autonomy is closely tied to our tendency to compete and connection is a function of our desire to cooperate and align with others. The toddler wants to be independent and assert his own will and at the same time he wants to be intimately connected and dependent on those around him. As adults, our intimate relationships often mimic this contradiction. When we have conflicts, we get stuck in the toddler mode where our amygdala sounds the alarm of danger and alerts us to prepare to defend and protect ourselves. We get stuck focusing on the attack we perceive and we react only to the perceived danger. Take the example of the couple mediating a divorce settlement where the wife has initiated the divorce. The husband has a history of depression that can be traced back to a severely neglectful childhood. When his wife starts a sentence with “I want...” he is automatically thrown back into the distant past where he has experienced himself as insignificant and unimportant. He assumes that her “wants” will be unreasonable and calculated to injure him in some way. So when she completes the sentence with “I want to be fair and even generous because I know you do not want this divorce”, he fails to hear the most important part of the sentence and responds in an angry rage.
The ability to listen and rationally examine what is actually said requires the action of the adult brain - the prefrontal cortex, which is not fully developed until the mid-to-late twenties. In the adult brain, you can see both perspectives at once. You can feel your own fear and pain as well as your partner’s empathy and care. You can hold these two realities in mind at the same time and know that the person who is causing you so much grief can also be the person who can offer healing. In this advanced part of your brain, you have a chance of working out what is best for both of you and achieving what you both want - a sense of mutual caring. To move the husband from his toddler brain to his prefrontal cortex requires careful focused listening.
A second and related factor that undermines our listening is our own biases. Before we can listen to others, we must first listen to ourselves and be aware of our own biases and the automatic thoughts that interfere with our ability to hear what the client is saying. To surface your own biases, make a list of ten small or big traumas in your own life. Now ask yourself how each of these traumas has influenced the way that you think about relationships. You may have to list several possible implications before you can recognize the salient impact for you. Traumas influence how we experience relationships and attachments. Our attachment beliefs are a part of our automatic thinking causing us to respond to situations in certain ways before we even have conscious awareness of our response or attitude. Once these automatic thoughts have been identified, write out how they could bias your thinking about the couples and cases in your practice. Share your bias with a colleague who can help you remain accountable to identify the impact of these biases as you work with couples.
Next, use your new self-awareness to help your clients discover their biases. One of the keys to moving a client from competitive thinking to cooperative thinking is to slow their thinking so that they have time to examine their own biases. Be willing to ask your client to slow down and go back a few steps. Typically, the client is willing to have each aspect of their thinking repeated. In the example above, the angry husband who saw his spouse as hateful and vindictive would be taken back to each of these thoughts, slowly and with repetition. As you do this review with the client, the pace of your own voice should slow by 20% to 30% and your volume should be below your normal speaking volume. The slow pace and low volume serves to encourage the client to slow their own pace. The brain’s natural tendency to “mirror” experiences functions to reduce the adrenalin that accompanied the rage and encourage the production of oxytocin which calms emotions enabling the client to be more engaged in the conversation. The repetition of the client’s thoughts and feelings 2, 3 or 4 times enables him to reflect and to modulate his response. As you repeat, “you are angry and hurt by her request for a divorce and you expect to be cheated” in a slow calm voice, the client’s prefrontal cortex has an opportunity to actually consider this concept and compare it to other perceptions that he has of his wife. Repeating this several times exactly or with some modification in phrasing may feel awkward at first; however, when you understand what the brain is doing with this repetition, you will quickly embrace the low, slow repetition as a means of turning on the prefrontal cortex enabling the client to adjust his thinking to a more rational perspective. Once the angry client has modulated his thinking and shared more rational thoughts, he is ready to hear what his wife actually said. If you were to skip this step and just ask the wife to repeat her message, the husband would likely hold onto his bias and not trust what she is saying. Consequently, he would be focused on winning and competing rather than on cooperating to create a mutually satisfying settlement.
Our competitive brain activity can be quite toxic. The competitive part of our brain uses more primitive defense mechanisms to keep us focused on winning. Those defenses include denial, interrogating, judging, accusing, counterattack, justification, withdrawal, betrayal and sabotage. Anyone who has helped a couple negotiate an issue will recognize these as very familiar processes that can easily undermine any negotiation. The cooperative part of our brain uses very different strategies: humor, brainstorming, reflection, questioning, investigation, experimentation and compromise. Obviously, the outcomes of any couple’s negotiations will be better served by the latter. Helping each party access the cooperative part of their brains is both a science and an art.
The science of accessing the cooperative, prefrontal cortex demands knowledge of brain anatomy and chemistry. We have already described the location of this part of the brain in the prefrontal cortex and noted that it is more vulnerable to injury. The prefrontal cortex is also easily distracted by internal and external stimuli. Our executive functioning is located here. Our clients may be prone to appear present in the room while mentally reviewing their grocery list or inventorying the home furnishings and jewelry. Such mental competition requires a process that uses “visual listening”. Remember that we noted earlier that 93% of listening is visual. Facial expression, eye position and clarity, muscle tension, breathing pace, body posture and movement are all visual cues that indicate the degree to which the client is productively engaged in listening. Changes in these cues are reasons to slow the process, review what has been said, take a break or seek the clients understanding of what is currently happening in the room.
In addition, the chemistry of the brain can be influenced by the physical arrangement of the room, the physical atmosphere, the available food and drink and even the number and types of breaks in the negotiation. King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table were really onto something with the room arrangement. We tend to feel more engaged and equal when seated at a round table. Pastel colors in the pink and green family are also calming as well as vistas with a lot of nature in them. Breaks that take the client outside rather than into the hall do a better job of resetting them. If you are offering food and beverage, be sure that water is the main attraction. Water fuels the brain making concentration and problem solving easier. Other beverages encourage digestion taking energy away from the brain to the stomach. When offering food, concentrate on nuts, chocolate and guacamole (for the avocado) and stay away from pastries, bagels, breads and cookies.
Our brains are highly plastic and are constantly being rewired. That means that even the most resistant client can benefit from expert listening skills and changes in thinking can result. When you are tempted to write someone off as too rigid, immature, or difficult, remember that all brains are malleable. Your listening skills could be the key to a successful negotiation. The tools for moving from competition to cooperation are easily accessible to all who will understand how the brain works and use that understanding in the negotiation room. Look for specific trainings in your area to build your listening skills.
Footnotes
1. Louder Than Words: Non-verbal Communication. Mele Koneya and Alton Barbour, Merrill, 1976, Columbus, Ohio.
2. Stosny, Steven, “ Anger in the Age of Entitlement: Do You Love in the Wrong Part of the Brain?”, Psychology Today, April 22, 2011.

Ellen Kandell biography and additional articles: http://www.mediate.com/people/personprofile.cfm?auid=1140

Gloria Vanderhorst biography and additional articles: http://www.mediate.com/people/personprofile.cfm?auid=1290


May 2012

View this article at:
www.mediate.com/articles/KandellE2.cfm
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Keys to Successful Mediation: Understanding Brain Wiring and the Complex Listening Dynamic

By Gloria Kay Vanderhorst, Ph.D.
and Ellen F. Kandell, Esq.
Mediators know all too well that their clients can take positional stances that are hostile and effectively block the creative thinking necessary to reach an equitable settlement. Positional stances taken by clients and their counsel are a natural result of the brain’s dual wiring for competition and cooperation. These processes are in-born; however, the competitive tendency is slightly stronger than the cooperative one and the parts of the brain used for each are protected in very different ways. The competitive instinct is well protected between the temporal lobe and cerebral cortex hidden in the fold. The cooperative tendency depends on the action of the prefrontal cortex. Historically, our survival has depended on our ability to compete by besting our perceived enemy. Numerous studies indicate that we are not content to just get ahead of the other; we want to demolish the opposition. These tendencies are at play whenever we must negotiate with another. The challenge is to shift your clients from these positional/ competitive mindsets to more cooperative/collaborative thinking where creative and mutually beneficial solutions can be generated. Developing keener listening skills will enable you to help your clients make this shift.

Listening is often confused with hearing. Hearing is a natural experience that happens spontaneously unless there are physiological deficits. While hearing can be measured by audiologists, listening cannot because of numerous subjective factors. Listening requires work: focused energy, choice, active screening, plus both aural and visual concentration. When we choose to listen, we act to screen out external stimulation that could be equally salient and internal stimulation as well. Our temperature and blood pressure increase slightly as we use our energy to concentrate. The majority of the information that we use as we listen is actually visual detail and not aural detail. In fact 93% of our communication is non-verbal. (1) Visual cues enable us to interpret what we hear and to make sense of the communication from the other person. Over our lifespan, our listening efficiency decreases significantly as we become more occupied with our own thoughts and internal dialogue. Being a good listener is hard work that requires specific training.

One factor that is responsible for undermining our listening ability is our biases and historical frames of reference. Our histories shape what we hear. In intimate relationships, we tend to handle conflicts in the same way that we did as toddlers with blame, denial, avoidance, sulking, and temper tantrums. The thing that makes a toddler so irresistible is the Grand Human Contradiction (2): our competing drives for autonomy and connection. Autonomy is closely tied to our tendency to compete and connection is a function of our desire to cooperate and align with others. The toddler wants to be independent and assert his own will and at the same time he wants to be intimately connected and dependent on those around him. As adults, our intimate relationships often mimic this contradiction. When we have conflicts, we get stuck in the toddler mode where our amygdala sounds the alarm of danger and alerts us to prepare to defend and protect ourselves. We get stuck focusing on the attack we perceive and we react only to the perceived danger. Take the example of the couple mediating a divorce settlement where the wife has initiated the divorce. The husband has a history of depression that can be traced back to a severely neglectful childhood. When his wife starts a sentence with “I want...” he is automatically thrown back into the distant past where he has experienced himself as insignificant and unimportant. He assumes that her “wants” will be unreasonable and calculated to injure him in some way. So when she completes the sentence with “I want to be fair and even generous because I know you do not want this divorce”, he fails to hear the most important part of the sentence and responds in an angry rage.

The ability to listen and rationally examine what is actually said requires the action of the adult brain - the prefrontal cortex, which is not fully developed until the mid-to-late twenties. In the adult brain, you can see both perspectives at once. You can feel your own fear and pain as well as your partner’s empathy and care. You can hold these two realities in mind at the same time and know that the person who is causing you so much grief can also be the person who can offer healing. In this advanced part of your brain, you have a chance of working out what is best for both of you and achieving what you both want - a sense of mutual caring. To move the husband from his toddler brain to his prefrontal cortex requires careful focused listening.

A second and related factor that undermines our listening is our own biases. Before we can listen to others, we must first listen to ourselves and be aware of our own biases and the automatic thoughts that interfere with our ability to hear what the client is saying. To surface your own biases, make a list of ten small or big traumas in your own life. Now ask yourself how each of these traumas has influenced the way that you think about relationships. You may have to list several possible implications before you can recognize the salient impact for you. Traumas influence how we experience relationships and attachments. Our attachment beliefs are a part of our automatic thinking causing us to respond to situations in certain ways before we even have conscious awareness of our response or attitude. Once these automatic thoughts have been identified, write out how they could bias your thinking about the couples and cases in your practice. Share your bias with a colleague who can help you remain accountable to identify the impact of these biases as you work with couples.

Next, use your new self-awareness to help your clients discover their biases. One of the keys to moving a client from competitive thinking to cooperative thinking is to slow their thinking so that they have time to examine their own biases. Be willing to ask your client to slow down and go back a few steps. Typically, the client is willing to have each aspect of their thinking repeated. In the example above, the angry husband who saw his spouse as hateful and vindictive would be taken back to each of these thoughts, slowly and with repetition. As you do this review with the client, the pace of your own voice should slow by 20% to 30% and your volume should be below your normal speaking volume. The slow pace and low volume serves to encourage the client to slow their own pace. The brain’s natural tendency to “mirror” experiences functions to reduce the adrenalin that accompanied the rage and encourage the production of oxytocin which calms emotions enabling the client to be more engaged in the conversation. The repetition of the client’s thoughts and feelings 2, 3 or 4 times enables him to reflect and to modulate his response. As you repeat, “you are angry and hurt by her request for a divorce and you expect to be cheated” in a slow calm voice, the client’s prefrontal cortex has an opportunity to actually consider this concept and compare it to other perceptions that he has of his wife. Repeating this several times exactly or with some modification in phrasing may feel awkward at first; however, when you understand what the brain is doing with this repetition, you will quickly embrace the low, slow repetition as a means of turning on the prefrontal cortex enabling the client to adjust his thinking to a more rational perspective. Once the angry client has modulated his thinking and shared more rational thoughts, he is ready to hear what his wife actually said. If you were to skip this step and just ask the wife to repeat her message, the husband would likely hold onto his bias and not trust what she is saying. Consequently, he would be focused on winning and competing rather than on cooperating to create a mutually satisfying settlement.

Our competitive brain activity can be quite toxic. The competitive part of our brain uses more primitive defense mechanisms to keep us focused on winning. Those defenses include denial, interrogating, judging, accusing, counterattack, justification, withdrawal, betrayal and sabotage. Anyone who has helped a couple negotiate an issue will recognize these as very familiar processes that can easily undermine any negotiation. The cooperative part of our brain uses very different strategies: humor, brainstorming, reflection, questioning, investigation, experimentation and compromise. Obviously, the outcomes of any couple’s negotiations will be better served by the latter. Helping each party access the cooperative part of their brains is both a science and an art.

The science of accessing the cooperative, prefrontal cortex demands knowledge of brain anatomy and chemistry. We have already described the location of this part of the brain in the prefrontal cortex and noted that it is more vulnerable to injury. The prefrontal cortex is also easily distracted by internal and external stimuli. Our executive functioning is located here. Our clients may be prone to appear present in the room while mentally reviewing their grocery list or inventorying the home furnishings and jewelry. Such mental competition requires a process that uses “visual listening”. Remember that we noted earlier that 93% of listening is visual. Facial expression, eye position and clarity, muscle tension, breathing pace, body posture and movement are all visual cues that indicate the degree to which the client is productively engaged in listening. Changes in these cues are reasons to slow the process, review what has been said, take a break or seek the clients understanding of what is currently happening in the room.

In addition, the chemistry of the brain can be influenced by the physical arrangement of the room, the physical atmosphere, the available food and drink and even the number and types of breaks in the negotiation. King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table were really onto something with the room arrangement. We tend to feel more engaged and equal when seated at a round table. Pastel colors in the pink and green family are also calming as well as vistas with a lot of nature in them. Breaks that take the client outside rather than into the hall do a better job of resetting them. If you are offering food and beverage, be sure that water is the main attraction. Water fuels the brain making concentration and problem solving easier. Other beverages encourage digestion taking energy away from the brain to the stomach. When offering food, concentrate on nuts, chocolate and guacamole (for the avocado) and stay away from pastries, bagels, breads and cookies.

Our brains are highly plastic and are constantly being rewired. That means that even the most resistant client can benefit from expert listening skills and changes in thinking can result. When you are tempted to write someone off as too rigid, immature, or difficult, remember that all brains are malleable. Your listening skills could be the key to a successful negotiation. The tools for moving from competition to cooperation are easily accessible to all who will understand how the brain works and use that understanding in the negotiation room. Look for specific trainings in your area to build your listening skills.


1. Louder Than Words: Non-verbal Communication. Mele Koneya and Alton Barbour, Merrill, 1976, Columbus, Ohio.


2. Stosny, Steven, “ Anger in the Age of Entitlement: Do You Love in the Wrong Part of the Brain?”, Psychology Today, April 22, 2011.

COLLABORATIVE DIVORCE: CHECK IT OUT

The following article appeared recently in the Washington Post and gives personal information from Regina DeMeo, a family attorney in Bethesda and a Collaboratively trained expert.


THE PROFESSIONAL
After a lawyer’s own split, a different approach to divorce
by Ellen McCarthy

It used to be all business for divorce lawyer Regina DeMeo. Her approach was always the same: “This is a partnership and the partnership is dissolving. What are the assets? What is the time-sharing arrangement you think is going to work best? Okay, come on,” she would think. “Get yourself together and let’s move on.” Then, after seven years of marriage, De-Meo went through her own divorce. “It was a very humbling experience,” she says. “All your dreams are shattered . . .
your whole world is rocked.” DeMeo began reading everything she could about what makes and breaks marriages, and she changed the way she practices law. Soon after the divorce, the
George Washington University Law School graduate became trained in a growing practice called collaborative divorce. Now when a potential client lands in her office, she asks to hear the story of the marriage and the reasons for divorce. When there’s even a hint of ambivalence
she’ll nudge the client toward a counselor. “If you can save this marriage, that’s what
you should try to do,” says DeMeo, 37. “Because I can tell you personally, I’ve been
down this dark path, and it’s not fun.” But if clients are sure that ending the marriage is the only solution, she’ll encourage them to consider collaborative divorce, a process that requires both spouses to agree not to go to court. Instead, they and their individual lawyers, along with
mental health professionals and a neutral financial adviser, meet to openly hash out
the terms of the divorce. The process requires that all relevant information be shared willingly — “so I don’t have to issue subpoenas to 50 different banks and waste time and money,” says DeMeo, a lawyer with Joseph, Greenwald & Laake in Rockville. The couple has to reach an agreement on every issue that needs to be addressed —including child-care arrangements, real
estate decisions and division of assets. And if they don’t reach a complete agreement,
both lawyers lose the case. The couple will lose all the money they’ve invested in the process and must start over with new attorneys. DeMeo, who is president of the Collaborative Divorce Association, a group that promotes the practice, says the process is less painful than a divorce that involves litigation. “There are no surprises,” she says. “And they feel like they own it because
they’re the final decision makers, as opposed to some person they’ve never met before who’s going to hear their case for six hours and make a decision for the rest of their lives.”
And maybe more important than that, she says, the collaborative divorce process forces two people whose lines of communication are broken to learn to work together and talk respectfully to each other. “Because if you have kids, you’re going to have to continue to communicate for the
next 20 years,” she says. About a quarter of DeMeo’s clients choose to conduct collaborative divorces, a percentage she hopes will grow significantly in the years ahead. But it’s not for
everyone, she realizes, and can run counter to what many lawyers are trained to do
regarding the protection of their clients’ information. Still, she remains in favor of anything
that can mitigate the emotional devastation that often accompanies divorce. But she knows as well as anyone that much of the pain has already been inflicted by the time clients reach her. “You can’t undo damage that’s been going on for the last five years,” she says. “Marriage is like a
plant, and if you don’t water it and give it sunlight, it’s going to die. You can’t just take it for granted.” DeMeo thinks her own experiences have made her a better, more empathetic
lawyer. “I really know what they’re going through,” she says. “But I would much rather have paid for the knowledge without having the pain.” mccarthye@washpost.com

Are You Divorcing?

ARE YOU DIVORCING?

CHOOSE A WAY

Your marriage is in trouble and you want out. The first thing that you think about is finding a lawyer and battling your way through the process. Don’t be so quick to open the Yellow Pages. First, do some research. Divorce can be done in at least 4 ways: Pro Se, Litigation, Mediation or Collaboration.

Pro Se means that you and your spouse sit at the kitchen table and work through all of the issues of sharing custody, changing living arrangements, dividing property, setting up two new households and sharing time with the children. Once you have decisions on all of these issues, you can write down your plans, research the law in your area and petition the court for a divorce decree. The kitchen table has the advantage of keeping things low key, working cooperatively and maintaining a good relationship with the other person as you reconfigure your lives. The disadvantages of this method are that a power imbalance could put one party at a disadvantage, unfamiliarity with the law could result in some poor choices for the future, and incomplete processes could lead to litigation in the future.

Litigation is the most familiar and probably the most contentious method of divorce. Each party hires a lawyer to advise them and represent their interests. Most litigated cases end of settling without going to court; however, the process leading up to that point is generally one of battle, hostility and acrimony. Many times the family, extended family and even friends are injured in the battle. Often there is little or no recovery from the process. When a case does go to court, the decision making power is ceded to the judge and both parties may end of very unhappy with the outcome.

Mediation is a more civil process of using one trained mediator to help you work through all of the issues and develop a settlement agreement. This agreement is then taken to a lawyer for review prior to signing and filing for divorce. A skilled mediator can keep you focused on the issues at hand and reduce emotional conflicts in the room. However, the mediator is there to work toward resolution of the issues and is not trained in facilitating a change in the emotional dynamics. Because of this, mediation can feel more like the kitchen table with a guide.

Collaborative is a transformative process whereby a team of professionals assists in working through the practical and emotional issues. The team generally consists of a lawyer for each person and a coach for each person. The lawyer advises on aspects of the law as you consider different options and solutions. The coach addresses the emotional dynamics and assists in learning new ways to communicate your needs and resolve issues with the other person. For custody issues and shared parenting, an expert in child development acts as a neutral advisor to the entire team so that the children’s needs are presented objectively for everyone to consider as they problem solve. For financial issues, an expert in financial planning can develop projections and plans as a neutral advisor to the team. The collaborative process is focused on transforming the historical model of divorce as a battleground to a more realistic model of divorce as a reconfiguration of the family where relationships will continue in a new form. The couple retains control of all decision making and decisions are based on mutual interests and common goals and not on power dynamics.

By now my bias toward the Collaborative Divorce should be obvious. Reshaping the family is a difficult process. Even the most mature individual will report that during their divorce they were a bit insane at times. The stress of ending a marriage and making dramatic changes in the life style of your children and yourself is a major emotional event. The team approach can give you the best opportunity to make choices that are legally sound, financially wise and emotionally healthy. For more information on Collaborative Divorce visit the web site of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals: www.collaborativepractice.com

THE COCKTAIL CIRCUIT AND STARTING OVER

THE COCKTAIL CIRCUIT AND STARTING OVER

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